Shards Book One Page 8

  Suddenly, that wall became an enemy to me. To touch it meant defeat. I yelled and hit and tried to break free, all with no effect. Against every fiber in my being, I was being forced back. I didn't want her to win.

  I didn't! I planted my feet and pushed back. Nothing. I lost a step, then another. I twisted my shoulders to wriggle free, and with my hands tried to hit her. But my reach only extended to her upper arms, and my fists pounded her like goose down. My skinny shoulders remained locked in her painful grip. I lost another step and felt the wall behind my foot. I used the wall as leverage and pushed with all my weight and strength. I felt an even greater force pushing back.

  I looked up into Susie's eyes. She had tears in her eyes, and looked so very sad, but very resolved.

  "I'm sorry. But you are going to learn.? And with that she pinned my shoulders against the wall.

  The anger vanished as quickly as it had come upon me. I understood now. I started to sob, then openly cry. It was far worse than last night. The total realization of who and what I was enveloped my mind, my being, my soul. It was complete and final and devastating. I slumped to the wet tiling, wailing. Susan released my shoulders and pulled me into her embrace. This time, I felt no fear or discomfort whatsoever, but clung to her with even greater resolve than I had mustered to fight her. She held me tight to her breast, her fingers playing through my hair while my emotions ran their course. My tears poured down my cheeks as I cried and cried and cried.

  How long we remained like that, I don't know. At least ten minutes. Perhaps as many as thirty. It was a long time before my crying settled down to sobbing, then whimpering. Susie held me close the whole time, patting me, whispering into my ear, comforting me with hugs, all while we huddled together on the floor of the women's shower. Any of these things would have irritated or shamed me had I been a man.

  But I wasn't a man, nor would I ever be a man. I was a young woman, and all of these things suddenly meant the world to me.

  I raised my tear-streaked face and looked into Susie's eyes, smiling shyly. She smiled quietly back at me and hugged me again. I closed my eyes and tried to lose myself in her strength. I heard a quiet step.

  "Susie? Can we help?? asked a soft, quiet voice. It was one of the women who must have been locked in with us.

  "Oh, thank you, Kerry. Yes. Would you see if the last shipment has her new clothes? If so, bring a change, please. And for me, too. We're soaked through and through, I'm afraid. Thank you."

  I heard her and another woman move away quietly. Someone spoke, and I heard the door unlock and they were gone, the door locking behind them. I felt Susie take hold of me by the shoulders, but ever so gently this time, and pull me from her. She looked into my eyes, her own eyes still misty. She reached a hand to my cheek and wiped a tear.

  "I'm so sorry. I knew this was coming, and I hated it, but it almost always has to be this way.? She stood up and helped me to my feet.? Let's get you cleaned up a bit."

  We walked over to the sink and washed my face. Lifting my head from the still running tap, I looked straight into the mirror for the first time.

  It was a young girl's face. Hazel eyes, brown, shoulder length hair, normal girlish features. A little coltish and not fully developed overall, but with a very nice mouth. I recognized it. It was my face. I looked harder. It was my face. My breath caught.

  "I… I'm pretty!"

  "Of course you are! But I wasn't going to tell you until you realized it. You probably would have slugged me."

  I hung my head shamefully.? I-I-I'm sorry, Susie. I was terrible."

  "Yes, you were. A bratty, headstrong, angry little witch. Exactly the way I was when I was fourteen.? I looked up sharply at her. I slowly nodded my head.

  "You were right to do it. I-I thought I had done a pretty good job of dealing with this. Especially after my cafeteria performance. I guess I was fooling myself."

  She smiled. It was nice to see the smile back.? You were fooling yourself. But don't short cred yourself, either. You showed yourself and us that you were a person, I just showed you that you were a female person. But being a person is more important. Being female is a bonus.? She smiled again at me, and I had to smile back.

  "Until now, I guess I had seen it as, well, being a negative."

  "Teenagers!? she chided.? Always full of opinions, and almost always wrong!? Her laugh robbed the words of any bite. I felt much better.

  We heard the door open, and Kerry walked in with an armful of clothing. Kerry was an older woman, maybe fifty or so. Older? Fifty wasn't old. Yes, it was, I thought, if you were fourteen. I looked again, trying to use my mind, and she still looked fifty, but also younger than a moment ago. She had graying hair and laughter lines, but was in good shape physically. She smiled at me and set everything down on the counter. She picked up the top set of clothing and handed them to me.

  "Here you go! They just came in and are made for a girl just your size.? She gave me a quick up and down.? Though I'll bet you grow out of them in no-"

  "Thank you, Kerry,? Susie interrupted. Kerry flushed with realization. I was suddenly tired of this soft-stepping. Enough was enough.

  "No, Susie, that's all right.? I looked at Kerry.? Thank you, so much, Kerry. Could you do me a big favor?"

  "Yes,? she answered without hesitation.

  "Please finish your thought. Exactly as you were going to.? I closed my eyes to listen.

  "Ummm… well, all right. I was going to say, I'll bet you grow out of these clothes in no time. You look like a girl who's going to turn men's heads before long.? She stopped and waited.

  I played the words through my head, tasting them and letting them play their way through me, tickling my ego and psyche. They settled in and made me blush with pride. With pride! I felt the weight of the world fall off my shoulders. I opened my eyes and smiled.

  "Thank you, Kerry. I mean it.? She appeared surprised and pleased with my sincerity.? Thank you for finishing the compliment. It really sounds and feels like one."

  She peered closely at me for a moment, measuring me. I think she liked what she saw, for she smiled and said,? You should be labeled 'dangerous', young lady. You're going to be a heart breaker!? She laughed and left. I heard the door lock again at her passing. I started undressing.

  Susie was sizing me up also.? You're also going to be a handful."

  I laughed.? Bet on it! And all thanks to you, Susie. Suddenly, I feel so alive!? I pulled off my top and slung it away, laughing and twirling, the loose bra straps slipping off my shoulders. But I didn't care. Susie looked at me sharply.

  "Are you okay?? She sounded concerned.

  "I dunno. Probably not.? I unhooked the bra and dropped it, feeling lightheaded and excited and daring.

  ? I'll probably be bawling my eyes out in another ten minutes. But let's enjoy it while we can, okay?

  Please?"

  She hesitated, then shrugged and began undressing.? All right. But if it gets too wild, we stop, okay?"

  "Oh, don't be a poop! The roller coaster's starting and it's my ticket,? I said with giddy delight. I pulled off my pants and threw them at her.? Here! These are yours!"

  She laughed and relaxed. Before long, we were in the showers, using them this time instead of fighting in them. I felt the warm water pulsing over my body, enjoying the moment. My giddiness was fading, but I felt a comfortable, content feeling replacing it.

  We finished rinsing and toweled off. I'd been tempted to sneak a look at Susie as we showered, but refrained. Not because I was uncomfortable, but because she was. I did look at her though as she toweled off, her back to me. Her legs were indeed lithe and lean, a match for the rest of her petite figure.

  And her silky, ebony skin was just as smooth and perfect on her body as it was on her face. Though she was in her twenties, she had about her an ageless quality that would keep her youthful even when she had great-grandchildren.

  "Shoe's on the other foot, huh, Susie?? I looked at my bare feet.? Poor analogy, we don't have
any shoes on.? She turned her head.

  "How do you mean?"

  "You warned me that I was more female than I realized; that I'd compare my physique to yours eventually. But when I try to, you're the one with her back turned and a towel around her middle,? I giggled.

  She blushed and grinned sheepishly.? You're right! I am nervous. This is crazy! I've done this a dozen times, with a dozen Cues."

  "But not quite like this."

  "Not quite like this,? she agreed. She dropped the towel and walked to me and her clothing.? But not all that different, either. I'm sorry.? She relaxed even further, and for at least a little while, we really were just two friends.

  We dressed. More accurately, Susie dressed herself, then me. My last project at NATech had me solving the near impossible feat of creating viable underwater cities, with humans capable of breathing air and water, yet I could not figure out how to put a stupid bra on. I had put myself into a second contorted position when Susie noticed. She was already dressed.

  "I can't believe you! You glance at solar simulation panels that you've never seen before in your life and nail their theory, workings, and energy source, all in one breath. But then you get caught up in your own bra!? Nothing like hearing an echo of my myopic brilliance.? Here. No, no. It closes in the front. After you put it on! Just put it on like a jacket.? She fiddled with the adjustments and when she at last let go, I was amazed at the difference. It was like a second skin.

  "Wow! It's like I'm not wearing one! Now this I can get used to!"

  We finished up. I still had on pants and a shirt-blouse, I mean-but they fit very comfortably. I looked at myself in front of the full-length mirror beside the counter. My figure showed a good bit more in this much less baggy uniform. I liked that. For now. I turned to Susie, who was finishing combing her hair with a brush Kerry had thoughtfully included. I turned from the mirror, taking in one last look of my profile.

  "Let's finish that tour. I promise I'll behave."

  She stepped over and began running the brush through my thick hair. I didn't really have a hair style. Just pretty much as it lay, with shorter bangs in front.

  "No more tantrums?"

  "No more tantrums."

  "Good. Next time I may just belt you one.? My eyes widened with surprise and just a twinge, the smallest twinge, of fear. Susie saw it reflected in the mirror. She twirled me around.? Hey, I'm just kidding!"

  I stared down at the floor.? I-I know. I'm sorry.? I couldn't believe I even thought that she was serious.

  But…

  "Don't be! I'm the one who's sorry. Poor joke and poor timing. Now let's see that smile.? I lifted my face and smiled. Tentative, but honest.

  "I suppose that's the best I deserve. I'll behave myself, too."

  "Promise?"

  "Promise. Well, I think we've seen enough of the ladies room for awhile. Let's check out the rest.? We left our wet things where they were. I had a hunch they would be clean and dry and sitting on our beds before we even got back to our room.

  We exited the bathroom, leaving it unlocked this time. I half expected to see a dozen women in the hall, dancing the Kansas City two-step. We'd had that bathroom to ourselves for more than an hour. But no, the hallway was deserted. I knew why now. From Susie's comments, a lot of Cues came into their own in that room. Certainly not a function I would normally have associated with a shower.

  We continued down the hall to our right. It, in turn, curved to our left about thirty meters further. On our immediate left was a large, translucent opening.

  "The men's barracks. Completely off limits to all female personnel.? That pretty much precluded exploration in there. We passed the men's showers on the right. I'd already been as close to them as I wanted. Further on the left, just as the hall curved, was another large opening into the men's barracks. By now, the hallway had magically come to life, with people again moving up and down. Some waved at us, a few greeted us, and most just walked by, leaving us our privacy. Everyone smiled.

  The hall finished a gentle ninety degree turn and headed, Susie told me, south. There were four doors on the left and five on the right. These were quarters for married couples, the male noncoms, and Lt.

  Sanchez, whose room was the last one before the hall went up a ramp and opened into the hanger. Susie walked by them without bothering to knock. Just as well. I didn't really want to deal with too much at one time. We walked up the ramp and into the hanger.

  My perceptions of space were right on. It looked the same size as last night, about eighty meters wide and fifty deep from the mouth. I saw now that there was also a large square area extending to our right. It had the same-what did Susie call them?-solar simulation panels, as the mess. Several tables dotted the area. But this was clearly the exercise and recreation facility. There were several people working out on exercise machines, gym bars and wrestling mats. I thought of my wrestling workouts with Chris-to me, the last one was only three days ago-and wondered what he'd say now. I thought of some of the moves he had used on me in the past and blushed. It was probably just as well he was dust. From what Janet had never implied but nonetheless communicated, I'd need to kill him anyway after one or two sessions. I pointed at the equipment.

  "I'm a little surprised you have those. I had gathered you kept pretty busy."

  "Oh, we get busy, all right. But it comes in bursts. We might go for weeks with little or no activity, then boom! we're suddenly pulling double shifts and using coffee in place of sleep. And for dogs like me, in research, we hardly ever get good work outs unless we're relocating."

  "Relocating? Doctor Barrett had mentioned your group is illegal. That's why I wanted to escape last night. I imagine sudden relocation comes with the job description. How often do you move?"

  Susie shrugged.? All depends. We've been in one place as long as three years. Then we moved four times in six months. We've been here for eight months now."

  "But maybe not much longer?? I ventured.

  "We've been at yellow for about two weeks. Yellow means standby for seventy-two hour relocation. If it goes to red, we move.? She looked at me.? How did you know?"

  "It wasn't too hard. Doctor Barrett said several things that made me think that. And I observed your men loading last night-but for a different reason-before I got caught."

  "That was for a raid. You sure gave us a scare, though! They woke me up and told me about three sentences as I ran over here to be your pilot. It was only a coincidence that the smallest woman in the Third was also your counselor. It wasn't the way I'd planned on meeting you. Still, I was a little proud at how you got so far."

  "Well, I'm glad I did get caught. Now. But would you have taken me where I wanted to go?"

  "Uh-huh. As you've guessed, we exist primarily to return to ripes their own personas. If we could give them their bodies as well, we would. But we can't, and even have to steal the ones we do give them.

  When they wake up, they have an incredible amount of adjusting to go through, as you know firsthand. A few just shut down. Others go nuts. Many, however, make it, and are integrated into society after two to four months. But while they're here, they get pretty much what they want. To a point. That would have included taking you out in the hov."

  We had wandered through most of the hanger, which had modest activity. Mainly vehicle repair. Several were armed and damaged. A thought occurred to me.

  "Wait. Two to four months? Doctor Barrett mentioned my being the only one here. Yet you said you had done nearly fifty in three years. By those numbers, there should be four or five here now.? I waited expectantly.

  "Sorry, kid. Don't get your hopes up. We never have that many here at any time. Remember, there is a high failure rate,? she sighed heavily.? It's about one in three. Terrible odds, and an awful risk. That's why we pick the ripes with the best chance to survive but who are in the worst conditions. You filled the bill in the second, easily, but your chances of survival were unknown. I wish I could tell you how frustrating it was when we coul
dn't find out anything about you. Our society on Earth has evolved to a point that there is a single, world authority. Information access has reached a point that even the Resistance regiments can freely gather what we want. And data webbing techniques date back to the middle of the twenty-first Century, over 600 hundred years ago, so the data is comprehensive."

  I nodded absently, my thoughts elsewhere.? Yeah. That was Chris' project. I knew he'd pull it off. But I had no idea it would work this well."

  Why I said that, I'll never know. I suppose it was my hormones wreaking havoc on my judgment.

  Impetuous youth. Maybe a juvenile need to show off. If I was looking to get the spotlight, I was successful.

  Susie's jaw dropped and she stared at me. Gawked, more like.? What did you say? You knew Chris Young? Who are you?"

  "I'm nobody you'd know, Susie. I'm surprised you even know Chris. Against all regulations… well, I've said enough. Are you going to be at the interview later?? She nodded.? Good! I'll need you to hide behind. I'll talk more then. And we can have a little one on one tonight, in our quarters.? And I had decided I would talk. NATech couldn't still exist after 600 years, could they? And if they did, could I still be responsible for my oath of secrecy? I couldn't see how. Still, there was a way to find out, since they were using Chris's webbing scheme, but I would need access to a terminal. Private access. I put the thought aside for the moment.

  "So. Getting back to the story. You didn't have any info on me…"

  She looked at me a second, then continued.? Uhhh… no information. That's right. We didn't have any information on your original persona, not even your name. We did have spotty facts on some of your past ripes. And, of course, we knew a great deal about your last ripe."

  "Is there any chance I could find out what, or who, I was?? I'm not sure I wanted to know, but I did want to have the option. I think.

  Susie shook her head decisively.? Not from us, you won't. We view all ripings as abominations, no matter what the circumstances. Once we've rescued the original persona, our research data and trolling routines are wiped, and the researcher gives a vow to never disclose any details."