Shards Book One Read online

  "And since you were my researcher, that's all been wiped?? She nodded. I looked down and scuffed my feet against the rock floor.? Well, don't worry. I was just curious. But I'm glad I can't find out.? And I meant it. I did feel relieved.? Getting my head on straight is hard enough without gumming up the works with useless information."

  She smiled approvingly.? That's the spirit! I should tell you, though, the time will come when you'll feel an overwhelming need to find out about your past. I know because we've encountered it with nearly every Cue we maintain contact with. Most Cues never reach the level of training needed to do that kind of digging. And access at those levels is grueling. No offense intended; almost no-one reaches that level.

  So the feeling to know past ripes fades in time. Usually for good.

  "But I'm getting an idea that you're the exception. I guess I'm not surprised. You've been the exception all along. You probably could find out. So let me give you a friendly warning: Don't. I'm not betraying any secrets when I say this, and I say it with the hope of killing curiosity, not arousing it. Your past ripes, what we could find of them, were dirty, horrible, and, quite frankly, scary.? She held herself and, despite the warmth pouring through the huge cavern opening we were now standing in front of, she shivered.?

  Normally, the worst are the hardest to find, so I'm more terrified of what we didn't find than of what we did.? She looked off. Maybe it was a cold sunlight out there, because I shivered, too.

  There didn't seem to be a whole lot to say to that, so I kept quiet. We stood there together for a while, thinking our own thoughts. The cave entrance had a type of holographic force field across the entire entrance. I don't know how it appeared from the outside-probably native rock with plant life if the imaging system was sophisticated enough-but from the inside it seemed as if I were looking through murky water with a scum of oil on the surface. I couldn't make out details at all, but if I viewed the outside as an entire scene, I was given the impression of a forested mountain. Yet as soon as I looked at one specific area, the image seemed to swirl away, leaving a confusing mix of colors and light. It was somehow mesmerizing.

  "Lost in thought, ladies?? A warm male voice spoke behind us, so soothing and pleasant that even the unexpected interruption didn't startle us. We turned, and I saw Lt. Sanchez-the officer who had so capably kept me from hurting myself or others the previous night-approaching us.

  "Lieutenant! Sir!? Susie came to attention and saluted.

  Lt. Sanchez returned the salute.? Oh, knock it off, Susan. You're on special duty. Don't give our guest the wrong idea. She might think you people really follow my orders.? He turned his gaze to me. I felt almost like hiding behind Susie. I even took a step back and toward her. He was enormous. His legs looked like the size of trees, and his arms made a forest. His mahogany complexion was warm and friendly. But his eyes exuded confidence and authority, and perhaps a little sadness. He smiled, and his white teeth showed from underneath his handsomely groomed mustache.

  "Please. Don't be shy on my account, young lady. You didn't act too shy last night."

  "Last night I was ready to kill you."

  "Yes. Well, not all our plans turn out. It's all for the better, I believe. Unplanned events are the spice of life. Oh, step up, girl! I think anyone who's capable of getting as far as you did last night can stand up to a little bit of guilt. Front and center!"

  His voice was very compelling, but without malice. Years of military training woke up, and I stepped up beside Susie, coming to attention. He nodded, as if having discovered something of interest.

  "At ease, miss. You've served, haven't you?"

  "Yes, sir. Recon, Company A, 138th Regiment, Second Armored."

  "Rank?"

  "Corporal, sir!? I responded. Not wanting to make it awkward for him, I decided to hedge my rank.

  My high voice made my replies sound comical.

  "Duties?? I remained silent. He spoke again, a little firmer.? Duties?"

  Again, I remained silent, the flashback slowly fading, and common sense reasserting itself. Still, it had felt nice, like for a moment I had belonged. I relaxed.

  "They were varied and… classified, Lieutenant."

  "I see. And you will not give me details, Corporal? Not even after six centuries?"

  "No, sir. Not yet. I'm not sure of the situation, sir. Perhaps after awhile."

  "And if I ordered you?? he asked quietly.

  It was my turn to smile.? Order? Well, I'll obey your orders in the here and now, Lieutenant. But first, those duties were classified, so I could respond only on a need to know basis. Second, they were in a different military. And, I'm sorry, sir, but third, corporal was not the military rank I mustered out with. I held a commission. The actual rank I held was… well,? my smile spread wider with the delicious thought,? would you take orders from me?"

  He laughed.? No, I wouldn't. You're doing well, young lady! Take a look at Susan.? She was again looking at me like she'd been stunned.? Our Cue counselors like to think they've got you people all figured out. Sometimes I think that when looking into your memories and finding everything they can about you, they forget that you've lived those memories. It helps to shake them up now and then."

  "Yes, sir. Ummm, I'm sorry for the trouble I caused last night.? And for a little while ago, but last night was serious.

  He waved it off.? Don't apologize. I wasn't looking for an apology. I was looking for you.? He tapped me on the chest.? You showed ingenuity and guts last night.? Yeah, it was real clever of me, fainting to throw everyone off their guard.? I've always told my dogs to stay alert, and they think they are. Yet a teenager rouses herself from Healer's Sleep, roams freely in the halls, arms herself with a gun from Dusty's room, and comes within a password of stealing a hov and pilot. You're getting a bit of a name for yourself.? I wonder what kind of name I'd have when my tantrum in the bathroom became common knowledge. Of course, since all Cues went through the same right of passage, perhaps it wouldn't be too bad.

  "Raul, let's not go over…? Susan started, but was cut short.

  "Susan. Please. I've handled many male Cues, just as you've done many female ones. We share this one.

  ? He looked at me,? You like it straight, don't you?"

  "Yes,? I said frankly. Susan gave me an irritated look.

  He nodded.? I thought so. I don't know what your specific duties were, but I do know something of recon units, even from that era. They didn't pick you because you had a pretty face.? He smiled.?

  Though you've got one now.? I blushed. Susan face was also red, but she wasn't blushing.

  "Raul! Please! We've already talked about this. It was agreed…"

  "Corporal!? he barked, all friendliness disappearing like a vapor. Susan snapped to, as rigid as Lot 's wife.

  "Sir!? She remained immobile.

  "I have chosen command prerogative."

  "Yes, sir!"

  "Very well.? He stepped up close, inspecting her eyes, which were riveted straight ahead.? See that you remember.? He stepped back and looked at me. I felt my body tightening into attention of its own volition-he had that effect. He smiled again at me, bowing slightly and elegantly.? I look forward to dinner with you tomorrow evening. I very much want to call you by your new name.? His tone became neutral as he switched back to Susie. He said,? Dismissed,? and walked away toward one of the larger disabled vehicles, rolling up his sleeves.

  Susan yanked me by the arm in the other direction, nearly pulling me off my feet. She stormed off in the direction of the wide ramp leading up toward the medical corridor. I was like a helpless leaf, caught up in the backwash of her fury. I staggered along for a few steps, but protested when we got to the edge of the ramp.

  "Hey, Susie! Slow down! And calm down!"

  She seemed aware of me for the first time. She stopped and released my arm, staring back at Sanchez.

  He had disappeared beneath the frame. Flickering shafts of bright light came out from under the chassis

  DAM
AGE TO THE PRIMARY AND SECONDARY HULLS IS CONSIDERABLE. THAT LOSS OF LIFE WAS MINIMAL IS DUE TO THE QUICK ACTION OF THE CAPTAIN AND CREW. WELDING DETAIL IS BEING DISPATCHED WITH REPAIR SPECIFICATIONS. COMPLETION IN 32 HOURS, 17 MINUTES. IT IS RECOMMENDED THAT HIGH DENSITY RESIN BE USED AT A 65% SATURATION LEVEL BETWEEN HULLS AT THE SITE OF THE REPAIR, WITH 40% SATURATION AT AREAS WITHIN 2.5 METERS OF THE REPAIR SITE. ESTIMATED INCREASE IN REPAIR TIMES: 4 HOURS, 52 MINUTES.

  as he welded. I was impressed. Susie was not. She looked as if she wanted to use her eyes to weld him to the chassis underbelly. If a girl had given me that look in my day, I'd have become a monk. On the spot.

  "Oh! That man can be so… so… uhhhhh!"

  "What?? I asked intelligently.

  "Didn't you see? He was all ready to treat you like a dog, just because you'd been one centuries ago.

  Like it makes a difference now!"

  "Oh, I don't know. I kinda liked it."

  "You wha t? But he didn't even pay any attention to your feelings, that insensitive ape!"

  "I know. And it was nice. C'mon Susie. I'll admit I'm female now. Heck, I'll even admit I'm learning to enjoy it. A lot. But for thirty-one years, 'me' has been from his side of the gender. I don't care how much things have changed; that doesn't get wiped out in two days. It doesn't matter how pumped full of estrogen I am. If it did, what would be the point in restoring me? So I liked his direct attitude. And I like your emotional and relational approach.? I took her hand and looked at her.? Hey, this is supposed to be for me, isn't it?? She nodded.? Then let Raul do his bit. Believe me, I think it'll help without messing up my signals. Please?"

  She nodded again and looked toward Sanchez.? I'm sorry. But sometimes he gets me so angry and…"

  "Excited?? I had a sudden insight and shook my head. It was so crystal clear.? Wow.? Susie looked at me, a distrustful look in her eye.

  "Are you all right?"

  "Yes, I'm fine. I think I just had my first flash of woman's intuition.? I looked at her.? You… you like him, don't you?"

  " Him? Of course not!? she lied.

  "No, you do! I don't know how, but I'm certain of it! You've feelings for Raul Sanchez!? I said triumphantly. And loudly. And without thinking. Fortunately, Susan was thinking and crammed her hand into my mouth as I blurted it out. Several people in the general vicinity glanced our way, but if they had any opinions as to the wisdom of choking someone they'd risked their lives for, they kept them to themselves.

  "Are you crazy? Somebody will hear you! True or not, I'd never live it down!"

  "Shaaawwee,? I choked out through her fingers. She pulled them free.? I suppose I'd better keep those woman intuition things to myself, huh?"

  She smiled at me sweetly.? That wasn't woman's intuition, girl. That was pure delusion. Let's go see Doctor Barrett. Maybe he can give you something to soothe your imagination.? She started leading me up the ramp.? Like shock treatment."

  Chapter Five

  "Good morning, ladies!? Dr. Barrett was sitting behind his desk, fingers playing over the cracked keyboard. He looked up at our entrance, rising.? Just a friendly visit, or did you come by for the physical?"

  "I was giving her the tour, Doctor, and thought we'd stop by for the physical now, before lunch.? Susie sighed like she'd had a heavy weight slide off her shoulders.? She's a handful.? I shot her a dirty look. I wasn't that bad. Dr. Barrett laughed.

  "She's all that. But is she a keeper?? For a moment, I felt a flash of fear. Am I a keeper? What did he mean? Was there some sort of guideline or example I needed to live up to? What if I didn't meet those expectations? Would they-I saw them smiling at me and realized they were joking. My ears warmed.

  "Yes, I'm a keeper, Doctor. I guess I should give you the thanks,? I smiled as I delivered the comment.

  ? Or the blame."

  "Touche. I'll take both, and say 'You're welcome' to the first. Well, down to business.? His voice took on a very professional timbre. He spoke, to no-one in particular,? Private examination and consultation,

  ? and I heard a deep tone from the door. I looked back and noticed it was solid. I was going to have to find out how that worked. Not only would the technical workings be fascinating, it would be useful knowing how to circumvent it if necessary.

  Dr. Barrett took me gently by the arm and led me to an examination table which slid out of a wall at just the right height. Without waiting to be told, I carefully sat on the edge. I looked at Susan a little nervously.

  She understood perfectly.

  "Don't worry, kid. I'll stick around and keep an eye on the old lecher."

  The barb just bounced off the doctor.? Lecher, huh, Susie? Just wait until your next exam. I'll dig around and see if I can find an old style needle for your shots. Preferably a hooked, dirty one.? He turned at me and started by taking my pulse. As the nurse had done-was it only last night?-he held my wrist.

  "I'd have thought medicine had come further than this, Doctor."

  "It has, young lady, it has. But I'm an old dog,? he couldn't have been over forty-five,? and prefer the human touch. My patients do, too. Take off your top, please. You can leave your bra on, though. While I perform the examination, is there anything you'd like to know?? he asked casually as I pulled off my blouse.

  I did have several questions, nonmedical, which I put to him and he answered. I had been very wrong about his bedside manner. He had me completely at ease. As a physical, it was very cursory, which I asked about.

  "The truth is, I know more about your physical well-being than you do. When we make a raid on the physiomanufacturing complex, we've already selected in advance the subjects we want. Then, after we've returned to base, I run an extensive, three day physical to check for anything out of the ordinary."

  "Wait,? I interrupted,? Susie said she didn't know how old this body was. I thought you pretty much did a lightning raid and snatched what you could."

  "Absolutely not!? he exclaimed. I seemed to have hit one of Dr. Barrett's pet peeves.? First, we're not some beta version operation that flies about performing haphazard raids. Each one is meticulously planned. We value the lives of our own people nearly as much as we value you, young lady.

  "Second, we can determine the date your body was conceived by just accessing the proper records. We don't retain that information because it's unneeded. Your real birthday is the day you are reintegrated.

  Only your age in years is passed along.

  "Finally, this,? he put a firm hand on my small shoulder,? is not 'this' body. It is your body. There has been no other soul or mind in it before you, nor does anyone have claim over it. Once I completed the cognitive reconstruction and moved your soul into its new home, this physical shell became you. There is a long period of adjustment-even longer for you I don't doubt-but this is you. Understand?"

  Taken aback by his insistence, I could only nod slightly. Despite the force of his words-or maybe because of them-I was reassured and settled down. He squeezed my shoulder and gave a small grin, then continued with the examination.

  "Picking up where we left off. This physical is needless from a medical point of view, although we will count this as your checkup date and set a routine for regular examinations, as with all personnel. Since you're in the midst of puberty, I'll schedule some additional consultations. Today's checkup is more for you than for your body.

  "How do you mean?? I asked.

  He told me what he meant. Being female now meant a different approach to taking care of myself. We talked at length, Susie helping with her own examples and insights. It was embarrassing, but necessary.

  And his manner with patients was very comforting. He made me feel like a person talking about my body, not a like girl talking about my body.

  After we finished both the talk and the examination, I slid off the table and began dressing. That made the third time I dressed today, and it was only about noon. I felt like a striptease artist. Dr. Barrett went back to his desk and began banging away on his keyboard. I pulled on my blous
e, a sleeveless white top made out of a kind of formfitting cotton, and looked at his fingers flying over the smooth surface.

  "That's the only keyboard I've seen here, Doc,? I ventured.

  "Yes. One of my idiosyncrasies. Nearly every terminal has a keyboard interface, but everyone else uses standard puterverse access. Not me. It makes the data feel a little more personal and real done this way.

  I also have an aversion to being left defenseless.? While I wondered at that cryptic remark, he continued banging away.? While I'm finishing this, perhaps you could explain your stunt in the mess this morning."

  I tucked in my top and said quietly,? What do you want me to explain?"

  He shrugged.? This morning was the first time we've ever seen a Cue do something like that so soon out of Healer's Sleep. You gave every impression of being used to yourself and your new condition.? He looked up from his bushy, graying eyebrows.? At least, to everyone else you did. To me, you looked like someone forcing him self too hard.? He emphasized the? him".

  It was my turn to shrug.? You're right, Doc. That's the way it was, pretty much. I was feeling very weird, and having a hard time adjusting. When that happens, I've always been one to act. After we left, I almost threw up in our quarters."

  "I shouldn't wonder. You looked like you were going to right there on the table. But I must say, you won over the troops faster than anyone ever has before. Just try to keep your perspective from now on.

  You're not an adult any more, nor male, and pushing yourself like that will get you sick."

  "I know. Susie drove that point home a little while ago. I feel much more comfortable now, though I wanted to kill her at the time.? I reached over and took Susie's hand, smiling. She smiled back and squeezed it. Dr. Barrett watched us and nodded approvingly. He went back to his keyboard.

  "I can imagine the whole scene. That's the worst moment for a Cue counselor. Driving reality home, then patching up the wreckage. I've done it more times than I can count, and as bad as it with boys, it's twice that for girls. I've never liked it, but it is by far the best way. For all intents, the only way. Brutal revelation seems to be the best tool to jolt a person from the there and then to the here and now. Normally, the sooner the better. Well, I'm glad you've been through it already. It helps the healing, both physical and mental."